To grieve, move on, and continue to be open and resist bitterness and resentment, creates a resiliency that is little discussed about the LGBT community. Sometimes, the kindest people … are those with war torn hands.
Read MoreCoping skills have become, on some levels, a normative fad in external grounding -- things like sensory toys or fidget spinners. However, stories that cost nothing but time can be just as effective.
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Photo by Jan Kopřiva on Unsplash
“Connection"
Let’s talk about connection.
We all need connection to thrive, and arguably, to survive. Connection can mean many things and look many different ways, but ultimately connection is the feeling of being with another through a safe and authentic experience. We are not connected if we, for whatever reason, do not feel safe and are in survival mode.
Many have experienced complex trauma, or trauma that occurs in relationships rather than events. As a result, we learn to disconnect from people to protect ourselves. This can look like avoidance, isolation, defensiveness, or anger, to name a few. But the thing is, even though a part of us learns to disconnect to ultimately feel safe, it steals the ability to connect with others who could provide the exact healing we need.
You might try to ignore or even judge the part of you that wants to connect, but the truth is, you are human and of course you need connection. Practice noticing the next time you feel a battle between connecting and disconnecting, and try to consider if your need to connect is there for a reason. As scary as it feels, it might be exactly what you need and could be worth the first step.
Written by Dr. Lacey Wright, PsyD
Photo by Klara Kulikova on Unsplash
“Anger"
Let’s talk about anger. For many people, anger is one of the most common emotions that is avoided. Either we avoid becoming angry ourselves, or we avoid being around someone else that is angry. If you relate to either scenario, somewhere along the way you likely experienced anger expressed to you or around you that made you feel unsafe. And it was likely many times, not just once.
Anger is natural and a part of the human range of emotions we all feel. Like other emotions, we are supposed to be able to express anger in a direct and accepting way. Anger is not supposed to look like screaming, hurtful words, or violence. If that is what comes to mind, you likely experienced unsafe anger around you. And when you experienced it, you learned to suppress or avoid it because it ultimately felt safer to do so. And then you probably responded that way again, and again, until it became a habit. The thing is, you still have anger inside of you, and it is possible it sometimes comes up in bigger ways as the pressure builds.
Healthy anger is doable with practice: “I am really angry she said that” or “I am so frustrated I have to sit in this traffic.” But at first, it might be as simple as “I am angry” or “I feel anger.” Identify, acknowledge and say it over and over and over again until you learn that identifying and expressing anger in a healthy way is not only safe, but necessary.
Written by Dr. Lacey Wright, PsyD
Photo by Greg Rosenke on Unsplash
“What do I need?"
Let’s talk about identifying needs. We all hear about self-care these days. Seems simple, right? Just take care of yourself. The reality is, taking time to check in with ourselves, identify what we truly need, and follow through with meeting that need, is often not as easy as it sounds. It can actually be very uncomfortable if somewhere along the way we learned to avoid our needs and neglect ourselves to feel better in those moments.
For some, healthy, consistent self-care was not encouraged. Maybe there was a parent just surviving to keep the bills paid and unable to practice their own self-care, so we learned basic survival was all there was. Or perhaps there was a parent that put their feelings first and directly shamed you when you expressed needs. You might also have learned excellent self-care as a child, and now work for a boss that discourages or even criticizes attempts at self-care. Either way, if we learned not to neglect our own needs at some point in our life, we have to learn or re-learn how to prioritize them again. Being a grown-up does not mean we just automatically know how to do things.
Ask yourself “What do I need right now?” If you have an immediate answer, identify the first step to make the need happen and go for it. If you don’t have an answer, that’s okay. Keep practicing. If the question makes you uncomfortable or you want to avoid it, definitely keep practicing. Slowly, we can learn to focus in on ourselves again safely, trust ourselves, and make it happen without feeling anxious or guilty. Every part of our life can start to look different as we show up as a more cared-for version of ourself.
Written by Dr. Lacey Wright, PsyD
Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash
Have a Regulated Holiday
Let’s talk about triggering. The holidays tend to be some of the most triggering times of the year. A trigger is a reflex to some kind of stimuli that activates our nervous system and tells us that we could be in danger. We can be triggered by natural stimuli, such as a loud noise or growling dog. And we can be triggered by stimuli in our everyday life that, on the surface do not appear to be a threat, but our brain and body still perceive as dangerous because of an experience in the past.
People and their behaviors can be our biggest triggers. And because there are usually a lot of people around during holiday gatherings, a lot of triggering can happen. It can take a lot of work to identify and really understand our individual triggers, and counseling is the best option long term. But we can learn small steps to help our body and brain return to a sense of safety.
First, recognize you are triggered (common symptoms include increase in heart rate, muscle tension, quicker breathing, hyperawareness/hypervigilance). Then, look around and confirm that you are safe. If you are not safe, then remove yourself from the situation. If you are safe, practice mindfulness next. Focus in and notice what you see, hear, smell, taste or can touch. Bringing your brain back into the current situation and realizing you are safe will help your brain communicate with your body that everything is okay and your triggered symptoms should decrease. And then repeat. We usually have to practice regulation steps repeatedly (think a few hundred times) to feel the long-term effects, but practicing in brief moments is a place to start.
Give it a try, you deserve a more regulated and peaceful holiday experience.
Written by Dr. Lacey Wright, PsyD
Let’s talk about acknowledgment. We all have a core, biological need to be seen and heard. After all, that is how we first enter this world: crying and demanding our needs be met without any hesitation. That is how we survive. As we get older, acknowledgment continues to be important when we gash our arm or break a bone, and it becomes just as essential as we develop complex emotions as adults and experience difficult life events and painful relationships.
More recent brain research tells us that, when trying to heal or “move on” from a painful past event or trauma, we often do not need to relive every single detail. What is typically needed instead, is acknowledgment of the emotion that was felt at the time and that likely continues to be experienced since the event occurred. This is one of the reasons why avoidance is such a painful behavior, and often causes more damage than we realize.
So, the next time you find yourself avoiding either something you feel or avoiding what someone else said or tried to express to you, consider acknowledgment instead. Acknowledge your fear. Acknowledge your grief. Acknowledge your excitement. Acknowledge that you hurt someone else. We do not have to say “I’m sorry” to have repairing and healing conversations and experiences. Our emotions are incredibly useful tools if we take time and learn to see them.
Written by Dr. Lacey Wright, PsyD
Photo by Diane Picchiottino on Unsplash
This Post-Quarantine World: The Delay of Everything
While COVID still exists as an illness, it has gone from being a public medical crisis to a public mental health crisis. People find themselves unable to be and do as they were before quarantine. Instead of the government holding people in place, people are now seized into solitude by anxiety and depression, and the fear of “being out there.” If this is you, you are not alone. You are not the only one.
Thriving extroverts now find themselves fighting to regain their normal. They miss connection with others; however, they are stuck in disconnection, even from themselves. Some are just now feeling the emotions of a standstill world. In that sense, they have come to an emotional stop. There are kids who struggle with being in school because they started online. There are those that were thriving in person that had to go online and they feel they can no longer manage sitting in a classroom. Normal developmental tasks like potty training and talking are happening later. You are not alone. You are not the only one.
The world collectively held its breath and much of the world is still holding its breath. Abnormal became normal. Now, people are being asked to carry on and jump right back in; however, this registers to the nervous system now as abnormal. People are struggling to regulate with activities of daily living. What is normal has radically shifted. People have forgotten how to people. Human beings want to hide from this by becoming human doings. If this is you, you are not alone. You are not the only one.
It is okay to reach out for help so that you can finally exhale and build up to the inhale of this new normal that was the old normal before the pandemic.
-Mea McMahon, LPC the Peace
Let’s talk about the idea of “keeping the peace.” Of course, peace is generally considered a positive concept and is in most contexts. However, in relationships, keeping the peace is a different story. Healthy relationships will NOT always be peaceful. Let me explain.
Relationships take work and naturally involve disagreement and discomfort at times. Identifying, expressing, and exploring the thoughts, feelings, and needs of each individual can create waves that will disrupt that illusion of peace. If one has learned to keep the peace over having those necessary and uncomfortable conversations, then communication is stopped, growth is stifled, and suppression often follows. We often learn the peacekeeper role from an early age.
Instead of a peaceful relationship, the goal is an emotionally safe one. A relationship where both individuals are able to show up, have uncomfortable conversations, hold a safe space for one another to listen, and regulate themselves as needed throughout and afterward. We should never fear expressing how we feel in truly safe relationships. We should not worry about the reaction of the other person to the point that we silence ourselves. That is a sign that something is not okay.
Check-in with yourself next time you hesitate to express yourself, even if just for a moment. Are you stepping into the peacekeeper role? If so, try to identify what you are afraid of and remember that keeping the peace is not the long-term solution that you deserve in your relationships.
Written by Mea McMahon, LPC
Photo by Linus Nylund on Unsplash
Keeping the Peace
Let’s talk about the idea of “keeping the peace.” Of course, peace is generally considered a positive concept, and is in most contexts. However, in relationships, keeping the peace is a different story. Healthy relationships will NOT always be peaceful. Let me explain.
Relationships take work and naturally involve disagreement and discomfort at times. Identifying, expressing and exploring the thoughts, feelings and needs of each individual can create waves that will disrupt that illusion of peace. If one has learned to keep the peace over having those necessary and uncomfortable conversations, then communication is stopped, growth is stifled, and suppression often follows. We often learn the peacekeeper role from an early age.
Instead of a peaceful relationship, the goal is an emotionally safe one. A relationship where both individuals are able to show up, have uncomfortable conversations, hold a safe space for one another and listen, and regulate themselves as needed throughout and afterwards. We should never fear expressing how we feel in truly safe relationships. We should not worry about the reaction of the other person to the point that we silence ourselves. That is a sign that something is not okay.
Check in with yourself next time you hesitate to express yourself, even if just for a moment. Are you stepping into the peacekeeper role? If so, try to identify what you are afraid of and remember that keeping the peace is not the long-term solution that you deserve in your relationships.
Written by Dr. Lacey Wright, PsyD
Photo by Jason Blackeye on Unsplash
To Sleep, Perchance to Dream, Part 2
-Hamlet, Shakespeare
Last month, we established the importance of getting a good night’s sleep and some reasons you may be struggling to do so (look to part 1 for a refresher). Now we’ll look at some things you can do to improve your sleep. Let’s start with your morning and work through an ideal day for your sleep.
Wake up at the same time every day. Whatever time works best for you. Caffeine is fine…in moderation…and before noon (or 6-8 hours before your bedtime). Make sure you are eating well-balanced meals throughout the day. That includes breakfast - don’t skip it! Too much or too little protein or carbohydrates can interfere with your sleep. Higher fiber foods seem to be helpful in promoting sleep. Vitamin C and Vitamin D can also improve your sleep, so eat your fruits and veggies and go get some sun (safely, with the sunscreen and hydration and all).
While you’re outside, get some movement in (inside works too). Exercise during the day seems to help improve sleep. Be mindful that exercise late in the evening or at night seems to negatively impact your sleep hormones (melatonin). Try to avoid naps, especially later in the day. You also shouldn’t be doing any homework or watching TV in your bed during the day. The bed is for bed activities, namely sleep.
Fast forward to your evening. You’ve got a few hours left before bed. You’re doing the last few things you need to get done for the day or you are just relaxing. Try to avoid alcohol 4-6 hours before bed. It may make you sleepy, but it can cause rebound wakefulness a few hours after you fall asleep. Put down the electronic devices (blue light) an hour before bed. Maybe save that new horror movie for earlier in the day. That is, avoid upsetting content (including the news) for 2 hours before you drift off to dreamland. This is also the time you can add in some extra relaxation. Relaxation techniques can include breathing exercises, guided meditation, yoga, and aromatherapy (try lavender). Teas like valerian and chamomile are thought to help promote relaxation. Consider taking melatonin as a supplement in the short-term. (Even though these teas and supplements are generally considered safe, you should talk to your provider before you try any supplements of any kind).
So now you’re ready to crawl into bed. This also needs to be at the same time every day. Make sure your environment is conducive to sleep. Is that pile of clothes on the chair bothering you? Put it away before going to bed. Give yourself to the dark side (Star Wars joke, anyone?). I’m not actually talking about the Sith though. I meant the room. Use eye masks or black out curtains or put the little stickers over the electronic lights. The room should be dark. The room should also be cool. Use your fans or air conditioners to make this happen. Your body should be warm. Try a warm bath (or shower or foot bath). Or the sauna. Whatever you have at your disposal. Are you comfy? Pajamas and bed linen should be comfortable.
Now that you’ve done all of that, close your eyes and get some sleep.
Sweet dreams.
Written by Karalee Landers, PMHNP
Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash
To Sleep, Perchance to Dream, Part 1
-Hamlet, Shakespeare
You did not sleep well last night.
You’re a bit more irritable than normal, feeling like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. You feel more emotional overall. Your brain feels foggy, not quite up to the normal well-oiled machine you would like it be.
You know you need more sleep. You go to bed early but only end up tossing and turning…. or you wake up all night long counting down the hours until you have to get up for work or school or your kids.
You drink coffee (or energy drinks or sodas) all day long the next day just trying to make it through. Your energy level is in the garbage so you grab some fast food or easily-prepared processed meals to get you through (if not just snacking on that bag of chips you found in the back of the cupboard).
Any of this sound familiar?
Sleep is important for so many reasons, as you know if you struggle with sleep. It impacts your ability to regulate your mood and emotions, your behaviors may be different, and your memory may not work as well. You may not learn as easily or even be able to concentrate on what you need to if you’re not sleeping well. Physically, sleep helps your brain remove toxins and strengthen your immune system.
There are several reasons your sleep may not be quite as restful as you want it to be. Maybe there are some new stressors in your life. Maybe you have an underlying mental health issue. Maybe you have a medical disorder. Maybe you work odd shifts or just got home from a flight from a different time zone. Maybe you’re overstimulating yourself with what you consume (caffeine and electronic devices included).
If you have some stress, mental health concerns, or medical concerns, reach out to the appropriate providers to get the help you need. If some of the other situations apply, you can probably make some changes to improve your sleep patterns. Stay tuned for part 2 for specific things you can focus on in your day-to-day life!
Written by Karalee Landers, PMHNP
Photo by Callum Skelton on Unsplash
The beginning of the school year can stir a sense of nostalgia. Everyone has memories about shopping for school supplies and new clothes or perhaps not being able to at times. For therapists, the beginning of the year means something a little different. After a few weeks, when all the supplies have been opened, school officials, parents, and caregivers begin a different kind of school shopping: A solution to the “new” behaviors. Just a few weeks ago, this child/teen could tell them easily their preferences on backpacks, types of art supplies, and clothes. Suddenly, they cannot speak of their very real need that manifests as meltdowns, aggression to others/themselves, or, simply, shutting down. What is often not commonly understood but is known to therapists, is that even when the child cannot speak, their behavior is speaking.
As caregivers and teachers, there is a great desire for words and solutions. In the moment, it can be hard for the child/teen to voice emotions. The best way to gain insight into this is to experience it yourself.
Here is an “Emotion in the Moment Challenge” for the reader. You will need about 1 minute with something to write with and on and a timer. You are going to write all the emotions you can think of in 30 seconds.
1. Set the timer for 30 seconds.
2. Write all the emotions that you can think of.
3. Count all the emotions.
If you did the challenge, most come up with around 5-7 emotions. That’s okay. But bring that further into your awareness — step back and consider what a child/teen could be experiencing when they are dysregulated and can only say, “I’m mad.” School beginnings are a shift in routine. It’s different; it is hard. They are small and feel every inch of it. The behavior is speaking.
The honest truth? Adults, even parents and teachers, have meltdowns. Each adult has an inner child. Here is another opportunity to pause and reflect as an adult — how old does one feel when they are presently having a meltdown or shutdown? After all, no matter the age, the behavior speaks. Each adult’s inner child has something to say. It may need its own therapist, and that’s okay.
Before the age of ten, children think mostly in pictures. Maybe children cannot speak their emotions and needs, but they can draw pictures or act out with toys. Even for the adult, that may be what their inner child needs, too. Every child/teen (even an adult’s inner child) needs to be heard and seen and acknowledged. If one was to listen either to a child in their care and/or their own inner child, they would find the behavior is speaking and there is so much to be heard. It’s okay to come to therapy and get help to learn to use their words in a way that everyone understands.
Written by Mea McMahon, LPC
Photo by marcos mayer on Unsplash
Sometimes, the problem is not what we know, but how we know what we know. Cliches can cloud freeing truths and keep us locked up and locked away from the connections we crave. One such cliché is “forgive and forget.” Impossible to forget; necessary to forgive. Yes, just as the words necessary and impossible are at odds, so is the brain at odds with forgetting. The brain is, literally, wired to not forget. However, we all need to forgive, but first we need to unlearn the cliché and relearn what forgiveness truly means.
In unlearning, reverse can be the easiest gear to get started in: forgiveness is not saying what happened is okay. It is breaking the emotional bond between one and the past/hurt. Forgiveness is not for the one who did the hurting, but for the one that is hurting. Most people when they hurt others are oblivious and, sadly, some others may not even care. One does not need them present to enact forgiveness. With that being said, forgiveness may not or need to result in reconciliation. Reconciliation has nothing to do with forgiveness. Forgiveness is self-acknowledgement and release.
It can be simplified down to four basic pieces that are not simple to choose. One may have to repeat these steps more than once until release is experienced. Be mindful. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a continued choice.
The Steps
1.Forgive the person or event or entity.
e.g. “I forgive __________.”
2. Forgive the impact on the past.
e.g. “I forgive___________ for__________(hurting, causing trust to feel impossible, loss of relationships, etc.”
3. Forgive the impact on the present.
e.g. “I forgive__________for causing difficulty in/with (current relationships, work, overwhelming emotions, nightmares, anger, being stuck, etc.”
4. Tell yourself how you are going to move on:
e.g. “I choose to trust myself and others.”
One will have to repeat the steps. Eventually, the feelings will follow. One may experience immediate relief/grief. Let the feelings come, flow, and go. One will open themselves up to experiencing unhindered love.
After all, the biggest thing unforgiveness blocks is love. After all this time, there has been enough suffering. It is time to let go.
Written by Mea McMahon, LPC
Photo by KAL VISUALS on Unsplash
Sometimes when enforcing boundaries with other people, they just don’t respect the boundaries. So how do you enforce boundaries and work to ensure your boundaries aren’t crossed or broken? Well, that answer involves using consequences.
How can consequences be used when we are talking about boundaries? Using a consequence is a way to help enforce boundaries and a way to let someone know what will happen if your boundaries are crossed. Communicating consequences often allows the person to make a more informed decision about whether or not they are willing to cross or break your boundaries all together. For example, if the consequence of someone speaking to you in a way that you don’t appreciate is that you won’t speak to them again, or severely limit your communication, that person might consider not breaking that boundary if they really value your relationship. Communicating the consequences may also help you feel more justified in your actions if someone does in fact break or cross your boundary.
Boundaries are something you can reset over time. Maybe the boundary you originally put in place was because you didn’t know the person or have a close relationship with them. Over time you might develop that relationship to one that is safer and more connected. This may get you thinking about changing your boundaries in that relationship. Since your boundaries are your own, you get to be in control of what the boundaries are and this includes when or if you decide to change them. The main thing being that you need to communicate what your new boundary is and what the consequences are as well. Clearly sharing these new boundaries and consequences reduces the risk of misunderstanding and ultimately reduces the risk of boundaries being broken or crossed.
So, stand strong in your boundaries and use this information to help you create safety in your relationships while simultaneously feeling powerful in your boundary setting suit of armor!
Written by Jessica Kolar, LPC
Photo by Sumner Mahaffey and Andrei Slobtsov on Unsplash
So now that we know what a boundary is and how to start communicating with others on what our boundaries are, we can start to think about how to take our boundary setting skills to the next level.
Take a moment to visualize a line drawn in the sand. This line can be easily changed, erased, or undone, without much difficulty. If we compare some boundaries to lines drawn in the sand, we might say those boundaries are more flexible, easier to change.
Now take a moment to imagine a line drawn in concrete. This line is much more difficult to change and often can’t be easily erased or undone. Again, if we compare some boundaries to lines drawn in concrete, we might say those boundaries are rigid, more difficult to to change. This analogy can be useful when determining what kind of boundaries to set and how serious to make them. The best part is, you get to be in control of which type of boundaries you use.
An additional layer to consider when discussing flexible versus rigid boundaries, is the quality of the relationship you have with the person you are setting boundaries with. Does this person feel safe and trustworthy, maybe a flexible boundary might be more appropriate. Or perhaps this person is unknown to you or you don't feel safe in the relationship, maybe a more rigid boundary might be more appropriate. Boundaries are our way of creating suits of armor, ways for us to feel protected. So feel free to use the kinds of boundaries that help you feel safe in various kinds of relationships.
Feel empowered to create different boundaries for different kinds of people. You might have a very safe and supportive partner, friend, or parent in your life. Because of the safety and supportive nature of that relationship, you may want to consider having more flexible boundaries. You may have a little more wiggle room for errors or mistakes when it comes to your boundaries. Now, the opposite case is that you might have a relationship in your life that is very unsafe, even potentially scary or unpredictable. This would be a great time to create more rigid boundaries, so that there is less wiggle room for errors or mistakes when it comes to your boundaries.
Lastly, the final post in this boundary setting series will touch on how to set and reinforce consequences if your boundaries are crossed or broken entirely, and how to change or reset boundaries in the future. Stay tuned for this crucial piece of the puzzle!
Written by Jessica Kolar, LPC
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
So you might be asking yourself, what are boundaries? How do I use them? How can they be helpful in my life? Well, this short series on boundaries will be addressing these questions and providing you with some quick tips for how to become a boundary setting master.
Let’s start with what is a boundary? A boundary is a way to communicate your wants and needs. You can do so in various ways. You can directly use words to state your wants and needs to others, or you can use non-verbal communication (i.e. body language) to express your boundaries. For example, someone stands too close to you in line at the grocery store. You may choose to take a step away from that person, indirectly communicating that you want and or need more personal space. This is a way of using non-verbal communication to express your boundary. Or, you may choose to use verbal communication to express your boundary. If we use the same example of standing in line at the grocery store and someone is too close to you, you could state “Can you please take a step back so that you aren’t in my personal space.
In the above example, you may want to try using non-verbal communication to set your boundary first. If that doesn’t work then you can try using verbal communication to set your boundary more clearly. Some people are more aware of other people’s nonverbal communication and what it may imply, while others may not notice, or be able to interpret what your nonverbal communication is attempting to say.
So take some time to think about what boundaries you may want to create and how you might be able to do that. Stay tuned for my next post in this boundary-setting series!
Written by Jessica Kolar, LPC
Let’s talk about trauma. We have learned to consider trauma as only the big stuff: sexual abuse, severe neglect, fighting in a war. While those are certainly traumatic experiences, trauma is not always packaged in a big, sudden event, like a stab wound. Sometimes it is a thousand paper cuts.
Trauma can be from any situation, interaction, or moment that we experience a threat or danger. When we feel fear, our nervous system responds, faster than you can blink. We see post-traumatic symptoms when our nervous systems does not get the chance to return to a regulated state and feel safe again. The fear then compounds, our body continues to respond (i.e. faster heart beat, quicker breathing, constant muscle tension), and we end up reliving that fearful feeling and the related physical effects, even sometimes without recognizing it. Sometimes flashbacks are visible and obvious, and sometimes they are subtle and waves of a feeling that do not seem to make sense. We adapt to a more chronic, fearful state and our bodies hold on to that.
Trauma can be from a long time ago, recently, or even vicarious, meaning observed and not directly experienced ourselves. Trauma can be big and small. Trauma impacts us all, no matter age, income, gender, or race. Many individuals have unresolved trauma that effects them daily from the moment they wake up. Unfortunately we cannot avoid trauma in life, life is traumatic sometimes. But recognizing the trauma and its effects is the only way our body will release the fear and return to a safe state over time. Practice paying a little more attention to your body, you might learn it has more to tell you than you realized.
Written by Lacey Wright, PsyD
