Boundary Series: Post 2

Photo by Sumner Mahaffey and Andrei Slobtsov on Unsplash

So now that we know what a boundary is and how to start communicating with others on what our boundaries are, we can start to think about how to take our boundary setting skills to the next level.

Take a moment to visualize a line drawn in the sand. This line can be easily changed, erased, or undone, without much difficulty. If we compare some boundaries to lines drawn in the sand, we might say those boundaries are more flexible, easier to change.

Now take a moment to imagine a line drawn in concrete. This line is much more difficult to change and often can’t be easily erased or undone. Again, if we compare some boundaries to lines drawn in concrete, we might say those boundaries are rigid, more difficult to to change. This analogy can be useful when determining what kind of boundaries to set and how serious to make them. The best part is, you get to be in control of which type of boundaries you use.

An additional layer to consider when discussing flexible versus rigid boundaries, is the quality of the relationship you have with the person you are setting boundaries with. Does this person feel safe and trustworthy, maybe a flexible boundary might be more appropriate. Or perhaps this person is unknown to you or you don't feel safe in the relationship, maybe a more rigid boundary might be more appropriate. Boundaries are our way of creating suits of armor, ways for us to feel protected. So feel free to use the kinds of boundaries that help you feel safe in various kinds of relationships.

Feel empowered to create different boundaries for different kinds of people. You might have a very safe and supportive partner, friend, or parent in your life. Because of the safety and supportive nature of that relationship, you may want to consider having more flexible boundaries. You may have a little more wiggle room for errors or mistakes when it comes to your boundaries. Now, the opposite case is that you might have a relationship in your life that is very unsafe, even potentially scary or unpredictable. This would be a great time to create more rigid boundaries, so that there is less wiggle room for errors or mistakes when it comes to your boundaries.

Lastly, the final post in this boundary setting series will touch on how to set and reinforce consequences if your boundaries are crossed or broken entirely, and how to change or reset boundaries in the future. Stay tuned for this crucial piece of the puzzle!

Written by Jessica Kolar, LPC