Forgiving is Not Forgetting

Photo by marcos mayer on Unsplash

Sometimes, the problem is not what we know, but how we know what we know. Cliches can cloud freeing truths and keep us locked up and locked away from the connections we crave. One such cliché is “forgive and forget.” Impossible to forget; necessary to forgive. Yes, just as the words necessary and impossible are at odds, so is the brain at odds with forgetting. The brain is, literally, wired to not forget. However, we all need to forgive, but first we need to unlearn the cliché and relearn what forgiveness truly means.

In unlearning, reverse can be the easiest gear to get started in: forgiveness is not saying what happened is okay. It is breaking the emotional bond between one and the past/hurt. Forgiveness is not for the one who did the hurting, but for the one that is hurting. Most people when they hurt others are oblivious and, sadly, some others may not even care. One does not need them present to enact forgiveness. With that being said, forgiveness may not or need to result in reconciliation. Reconciliation has nothing to do with forgiveness. Forgiveness is self-acknowledgement and release.

It can be simplified down to four basic pieces that are not simple to choose. One may have to repeat these steps more than once until release is experienced. Be mindful. Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is a continued choice.

The Steps

1.Forgive the person or event or entity.

e.g. “I forgive __________.”

2. Forgive the impact on the past.

e.g. “I forgive___________ for__________(hurting, causing trust to feel impossible, loss of relationships, etc.”

3. Forgive the impact on the present.

e.g. “I forgive__________for causing difficulty in/with (current relationships, work, overwhelming emotions, nightmares, anger, being stuck, etc.”

4. Tell yourself how you are going to move on:

e.g. “I choose to trust myself and others.”

One will have to repeat the steps. Eventually, the feelings will follow. One may experience immediate relief/grief. Let the feelings come, flow, and go. One will open themselves up to experiencing unhindered love.

After all, the biggest thing unforgiveness blocks is love. After all this time, there has been enough suffering. It is time to let go.

Written by Mea McMahon, LPC