The Behavior Speaks

Photo by Callum Skelton on Unsplash

The beginning of the school year can stir a sense of nostalgia. Everyone has memories about shopping for school supplies and new clothes or perhaps not being able to at times. For therapists, the beginning of the year means something a little different. After a few weeks, when all the supplies have been opened, school officials, parents, and caregivers begin a different kind of school shopping: A solution to the “new” behaviors. Just a few weeks ago, this child/teen could tell them easily their preferences on backpacks, types of art supplies, and clothes. Suddenly, they cannot speak of their very real need that manifests as meltdowns, aggression to others/themselves, or, simply, shutting down. What is often not commonly understood but is known to therapists, is that even when the child cannot speak, their behavior is speaking.

As caregivers and teachers, there is a great desire for words and solutions. In the moment, it can be hard for the child/teen to voice emotions. The best way to gain insight into this is to experience it yourself.

Here is an “Emotion in the Moment Challenge” for the reader. You will need about 1 minute with something to write with and on and a timer. You are going to write all the emotions you can think of in 30 seconds.

1. Set the timer for 30 seconds.

2. Write all the emotions that you can think of.

3. Count all the emotions.

If you did the challenge, most come up with around 5-7 emotions. That’s okay. But bring that further into your awareness — step back and consider what a child/teen could be experiencing when they are dysregulated and can only say, “I’m mad.” School beginnings are a shift in routine. It’s different; it is hard. They are small and feel every inch of it. The behavior is speaking.

The honest truth? Adults, even parents and teachers, have meltdowns. Each adult has an inner child. Here is another opportunity to pause and reflect as an adult — how old does one feel when they are presently having a meltdown or shutdown? After all, no matter the age, the behavior speaks. Each adult’s inner child has something to say. It may need its own therapist, and that’s okay.

Before the age of ten, children think mostly in pictures. Maybe children cannot speak their emotions and needs, but they can draw pictures or act out with toys. Even for the adult, that may be what their inner child needs, too. Every child/teen (even an adult’s inner child) needs to be heard and seen and acknowledged. If one was to listen either to a child in their care and/or their own inner child, they would find the behavior is speaking and there is so much to be heard. It’s okay to come to therapy and get help to learn to use their words in a way that everyone understands.

Written by Mea McMahon, LPC